Something Terrible Happened Today

Something terrible happened today. I don't know exactly when it happened. It may have been when I was running on the treadmill with my gym girls teaching Tread n Shed; maybe it happened when I was teaching water aerobics to some of my favorite senior citizens, many of whom are former teachers, school secretaries, and bus drivers. Maybe this horrible and senseless act of violence occurred at 10:40, the designated time for Tanner and his class to receive their AR awards. Tanner had been so excited when I dropped him off at school, and because of who he is, he told me not to worry that I couldn't be there to see him get his 80 point sticker. We shouldn't have to worry when we drop our kids off at school, should we?

I can't help but think of all the other students who went to school today, expecting to celebrate their achievements, test their knowledge on a tough science test, or maybe participate in some much-anticipated Christmas celebration. While our kids were smiling for cameras, dancing with their friends, and gluing Popsicle sticks into Christmas trees, others were living the kind of horror that we don't even let our kids watch on television. All those things we as parents try to shield our babies from, close their eyes to, came to life today in Connecticut. How to make sense of that? What kind of test has no right answers, just a bunch of empty blanks with no solutions, no do-overs, no retakes? I keep seeing the same responses from people on Facebook: how could this happen, what kind of person does this type of thing to 5 year old children? All rhetorical questions, I know, but I think beneath all those rhetorical questions lies a real need for answers. We can't fix what happened in Connecticut, but can we prevent it? That's a scary question.

I don't know when it happened, but I do know that I have NO answers for why things like this happen, why people see violence as a means to an end, why we have no respect for the sanctity of life. Apparently, my children haven't heard anything about what is being called the worst school shooting in history. I plan to keep it that way, so unless one of them finds out on his own, I think I'll keep it to myself. Of course, I was a little more "overjoyed" to see them than usual at car rider pick up; I played tennis ball with Tanner in the middle of the parking lot while we waited on Tucker, not really caring what other parents thought of my softball toss; and I figured that on the way home we might make a detour and have an after school snack. I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon watching "Mickey's Christmas" with Tate; I'm going to smile at them a little more, laugh with them a little more, let them laugh at me whenever they want, and kiss them EVERY morning at drop off.

And I'm going to pray. And pray some more. And keep on praying that our tv's and radios, our Facebooks and texts never again interrupt our days with the kind of information they gave us today.