Oh Lawd, y'all, I did it again. Last night, despite season after season of disappointment, embarrassment, and questionable cocktail gowns, I tuned in to the newest installment of The Bachelor. I didn't so much tune at 8:00 with popcorn in buckets and cold coke in hand, sitting restlessly on the edge of my couch; rather I DVRed it and made the Coach watch it with me once the little monkeys were in bed. And, I have to say, it didn't disappoint-- if, of course, you were looking to watch a train wreck.
I have to start by saying that in all fairness, I am not a huge fan of Ben F. as the bachelor. Sure, I felt bad for the guy considering that Ashley made a FOOL out of him on national television as he asked her to make him the happiest man on Earth and she dissed him (I hope he atleast got some sort of ratings bonus for that sucker punch). But still, the winemaker, his hair, his. . . oh, i don't know what it is, but it just doesn't do much for me, so following him on his quest for TV true love isn't going to be easy. However, ABC must have known this and thus brought in a whole new group of CRAZIES who are destined to go down in the reality TV hall of fame. Someone needs to pass it on to these lovely bachelorettes that being documented on an E! special 6 months from now about reality show mishaps IS NOT THE GOAL! Sharing the limelight with a Kardashian kid is NOT an accolade to be proud of. WInning the heart of the bachelor is-- I guess.
Anyhoo,the show started with a grandma in tow, an equestrian demonstrating her skills, and an epidemiologist sharing her knowledge on germ prevention and how to win a guy with a rap about infectious disease. (I'm totally skipping the girl who shoots deer and eats, well, you know). Gone are the days where lovely young college grads would demurely approach the bachelor upon exiting the limo and PROPERLY try to win his attention. You know, do and say things that would make a Southern mother proud. Nope, now it's a quest for the most outrageous pick up line, presentation, or first kiss-- unless you come in on a horse or with your Nana, then that soliloquy you practiced for weeks in front of the mirror is for naught. You just got trumped by an octogenarian.
I have to be honest here and admit that I fast forwarded through much of the cocktail party, as two hours of watching the unappealing bachelor appease women who have given up their JOBS to be there, despite the fact that me, Coach, Chris Harrison, and the rest of America all know that he has no interest in her WHATSOEVER, just doesn't merit my ENTIRE two hours. I did get lucky and stop the FF in time to catch the NYC love blogger lock herself in the bathroom and talk to herself for what seemed like hours, thanks to the editing of some pretty clever ABC producers. And how Ben was not made privy to this semi- mental breakdown is beyond me, and all of America guffawed together as the poor guy STILL gave that girl a rose. (BTW, Jenna, you're giving the rest of us bloggers a really bad name; so shape up girl or stop calling yourself a writer!).
So as the show came to a close and the producers regaled us with clips from future dates, disasters, and drama,I wept a little for all the girls, good and bad, who just exposed themselves and their sometimes poor decisions to national scrutiny, public embarrassment, and a possible engagement in two weeks; because I'm convinced that no one leaves The Bachelor/ Bachelorette unscathed. And if you don't believe me, just hit You Tube or check out the tabloids on your next visit to Kroger.
Meanwhile, I kissed MY former bachelor good night and said a little prayer of thanksgiving for the lack of roses, wine, and cocktail dresses in my life.
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